Maine Democrats: The Circus Is In Town (and the Clowns Are Running)
Ding ding! Maine is serving up a Democratic primary so chaotic, you’d think George Santos was auditing it. On one side: Gov. Janet Mills, handpicked by every dust-covered relic in the DC establishment like she’s the last can of soup in the bunker. Backing her? Chuck Schumer, who abandoned neutrality faster than a billionaire buys a tax shelter. On the other: Graham Platner, an actual oyster farmer and Marine vet, but also a walking, talking Reddit apology tour with a tattoo that makes every progressive comms staffer clutch their pearls. (source)
Platner: Bernie’s Boy, Reddit Renegade, Antifa Selfie King
Platner exploded onto the scene with a TV ad telling voters to shuck 77-year-old Janet Mills—as if her biggest sin was being old, not, you know, being utterly uninspiring. Then, the skeletons stormed out: A Totenkopf chest tatt straight out of a History Channel Nazi special (he says: dumb Marine bar night), posts about Black tipping habits (he says: sincere curiosity—yikes), jokes at the expense of police, sexual assault victims, and rural white folks. Even Bernie–yes, the leftist Yoda himself–is out here vouching that Platner just went through a dark period. Must’ve been a solar eclipse. (source, source) Platner’s old posts? Full of antifa supersoldier cosplay. The Maine Democratic Party hasn’t had a meltdown this spicy since Susan Collins ruined brunch in Portland.
Five Questions With Platner (Because Nobody Else Will Ask This Stuff)
Q1: Graham, why should Mainers pick you after this parade of controversy?
A: If folks wanted safe and boring, there’s always Joe Manchin. I’m not here to babysit Wall Street—I’m here to piss them off.
Q2: Any regrets on your famous tattoo?
A: Probably should’ve stuck with a lobster. Lessons learned: don’t drink, don’t enlist on a dare, and design your ink when sober.
Q3: How do you respond to Schumer ditching neutrality and backing Mills?
A: If the best the party can do is make Schumer referee, maybe Mainers should run their own state for once. Sorry not sorry.
Q4: Did you mean the ‘antifa supersoldier’ thing?
A: Irony is dead but not buried. At least it wasn’t a MAGA hat; then I’d really be sorry.
Q5: Final pitch to young, very online voters?
A: Look, I have more Reddit karma than most senators have approval. Come for the memes, stay to help bury the establishment.
Final Thoughts: If You Wanted Normal, Move to Vermont
Let’s not sugarcoat it: Platner is what happens when you beg for new blood and get Hemlock. Mills is competent, but about as revolutionary as flavorless chowder. Schumer, as usual, just wants to preserve the hierarchy. Calling this a war is almost too kind—it’s more like an intraparty demolition derby, and Maine voters are the only potential survivors. If you’re waiting for a hero, pack a lunch. Sources:
Axios: Platner triggers primary war
Axios: Platner first TV ad
Axios: Platner Reddit meltdown
Axios: Antifa supersoldier
Axios: Tattoo interview